i used to be someone who could study for hours and get things done. now i can barely convince myself to open my laptop, even when i know exactly what needs to be done.
i've been looking back at my childhood, questioning my habits, and wondering if i've had adhd all along.
somewhere between growing up, moving abroad, and trying to finish my degrees, i think i've lost track of myself a little.
i don't know if i need a break, a change of direction, or just some help figuring things out.
maybe all three.
i have so many things i want to do, so many versions of myself i want to become. yet somehow, i spend more time thinking about starting than actually starting. living with adhd in my mid-20s feels like being caught between ambition and paralysis. it's not that i don't care. maybe i care about too many things at once. and sometimes, the hardest part isn't doing the work. it's convincing my brain to begin.
a delayed reply. a different tone. a small criticism. things that seem ordinary to everyone else can somehow ruin my entire day. i’ve been learning about rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and it explains a little too much about the way i react, withdraw, and overthink. i guess this is my attempt to explain why some of my previous entries feel heavier than the situations themselves.
the city disappeared into fog tonight. meanwhile, i’ve been trying to understand why the smallest things can hurt so much. learning about RSD made some things click, but knowing why i feel this way doesn’t make it any easier. i want someone to notice my silence, yet i’m the one choosing not to speak.
recently, even the smallest things have started bothering me. a late reply. a slightly different tone. a conversation that suddenly feels exhausting.
i want people close, but somehow i keep pushing them away.
idk if it's burnout, overthinking, or just my brain running out of patience. maybe i'm not losing interest in people. maybe i'm just tired.